Written by Dr. Peter Pearson, co-creator of The Developmental Model, co-founder of The Couples Institute
I recently discovered something very counterintuitive, and it went against the grain of almost all relationship improvement advice.
Here’s what I tried.
I stopped doing things my wife cares about.
Ellyn really likes a clutter-free home.
Mostly I have a “live and let live’ relationship with clutter. When it comes to clutter, I have a very high tolerance for visual disarray. Much higher than Ellyn’s.
She would not describe it that way. She would simply say I am a______ (if you guessed slob, you would be right).
So, we had the predictable struggles. Ellyn would “remind” me to pick up stuff. And I, more or less, would agree. Sometimes with a good attitude and sometimes resentfully compliant. Sometimes I’d just reply, “I will do it later.” And later never arrived.
That struggle has been reduced dramatically since I stopped doing clutter patrol for her.
I now keep a better eye and I take action for “us.”
When I pick up for us, I think of it as if I am doing it for us as a team. And I know that when teammates are less stressed the team will feel better and do better.
Because I aspire to create a stronger, more loving team with Ellyn (and I do) I stop doing clutter pick up for her and do it for us. The results were almost immediate: we both felt better.
Doing it for “us” means I don’t see her as a separate person who is just trying to boss me into living up to her standards. I see the bigger picture that a neater house means more energy and less discomfort for Ellyn. And I discovered that I can also enjoy a less cluttered home. And I am not talking about living in a museum.
So as an experiment, how about for one full week you stop doing things for your mate and start doing things for the team?
P.S. Mostly I think the couple team is the strongest unit. Together each accomplishes more. They can inspire, comfort, support and totally believe we succeed and fail together. Teams are highly interdependent. Success depends on each team player doing their job in a reliable manner.
Peter Pearson, Ph.D. Relationship coach for Entrepreneurial Marriages.
Pete has been training and coaching couples to become a strong team since 1984 when he co-founded The Couples Institute with his psychologist wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader. Their popular book, Tell Me No Lies, is about being honest with compassion and growing stronger as a couple. Pete has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including The Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS Early Morning News, and quoted in major publications including The New York Times, Oprah Magazine, Redbook, Cosmopolitan, and Business Insider.
He is a frequent invited speaker at professional conferences and has trained therapists in 66 countries to help couples strengthen their union.
This article first appeared in the October 2023 issue of The Network Marketing Magazine Issue #216.
